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Even today I get frightened when I remember that mood of Baba. All the way back I was pondering also what I have done to make Him angry.
I straightaway went to Bindeshwariji’s house and sitting in the small outside room began to ponder about what mistake that I had committed to make Baba angry. I thought and thought but could not locate the cause.
I mentally prayed to Baba:
After this I mentally offered to Him one by one all the things and relations which I held dear in this world and at each offering continued to pray:
During this process I remembered that I had adamantly requested Baba for the protection of my official position. I was so attached to my official position that I had even discarded Baba’s own recommendation to accept a demotion.
Now I said mentally:
This was my last offering.
Meanwhile the elder brother of Bindeshwariji came and enquired what I was doing sitting alone in that dark room? What is the time? I looked at my watch and told him that it was 5pm.
During winters in December even at five in the evening it starts growing dark. I was standing outside the room and talking to him, but my mind was dominated by Baba’s angry mood.
In the evening at seven I reached the railway quarter again. Before Baba arrived, the senior brother who stayed there told me that Baba is angry on the account of smoking in this house. I though that if this was the reason of Baba’s anger, I shall give up smoking from today itself. Since that day I have never smoked again.
Baba came to the quarter and sat for a long time. Not to speak of talking to me, He did not even look at me. That day Baba did not go for His field walk. When He started from the quarter, we also followed Him.
Summoning some courage I asked:
Baba said:
After returning to the house I went to bed in the same worried state. Next day I did not return and stayed over in Jamalpur again.
I Discover My Fault And Baba Punishes Me
That day when I met Pranayji, the senior disciple who lived in that quarter. He told me:
I told him:
In the evening as usual, I started for Baba’s darshan, but that day Baba had left His home before we reached there and we met Him on the way. That day Baba was walking faster, there was therefore no opportunity to touch His feet and do pranam.
I told Baba that He was walking so quickly I had not got an opportunity to touch His feet. Hearing this Baba looked at me in great anger. I kept quiet.
After some time, Baba turned towards the railway quarter and we also continued to follow Him. After reaching there Baba asked the senior disciple whether he could take dictation. Baba’s voice itself indicated how angry He was, so that brother hesitated to reply.
When he gave me the pencil and paper, Baba sat on the wooden seat and we sat down on the floor and I began to take dictation. Baba dictated:
In the notice Deep Narayanji and some others were also punished - which is not necessary to mention here. I used to consider myself a very fast writer, but that day I was disabused of this impression of mine. And since that day my speed of writing also declined.
Then Baba started for His walk and we also followed Him. In the field Baba sat on the tiger’s grave. Everyone sat around Him but I sat at some distance.
After some time Baba enquired:
I did not have to say anything. At about 9:30pm, when Baba rose, everyone did sastaunga pranam to Him. I was standing somewhat away and enquired whether I could also prostrate myself at His feet.
I did my sastaunga pranam from some distance and returned.
Vishvanathji was both a childhood friend and classmate and was quite pained to see me punished, as he thought that he was cause of this punishment. I explained to him that this kind of thinking was simply superstition and entirely baseless. Still it took him some time to get over his sense of guilt.
Next day, after returning to Begusarai when I sat for my meditation, I did not know whether in the dhyana lesson I was to touch Baba or not. I had not been taught guru puja up till then, so there was no difficulty in this regard. I therefore addressed a letter to get clarification in this regard, and received a reply after about five or six days. Until then I had stopped doing dhyana.
As far as I remember on 29th December 1954 I received the reply from Baba:
Only now I understood that Baba had given that quarter the status of an ashram.
My senior brother disciples had never informed me about it.
Following this punishment I began to feel quite frightened and nervous. Fear had already been a dominant tendency in my mind, but now this increased further.
Even Baba appeared quite frightening. I used to get nightmares.
It was at this time that my little daughter Mainju, whom Baba had revived from death, began to sing a song as she waited at the gate each day for me to return from the office:
“Oh Lord, how much has man changed.”
I used to feel quite frightened hearing this song from her little mouth.
And so 1954 ended in this state of fear and 1955 arrived.
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